Daily Rantics

But I was pre-pmsing. I am pmsing now.

You can never deny that I think of you even when I try hard not to. I welcomed her today. Whether or not she decided to come or not. Whether or not you wanted me to.

And I secretly stalked you even when you blocked me. Only because I worried.

For once I wish both were on the same page.
For a while I was okay, but now I worry about you constantly.

WHY do I concern myself when I need not be concerned? It's not my business says rational Kala, but my heart breaking sends a message that I am so off course.

Truth is you probably haven't thought about this once. Yet I'm the one griping.

I need a hobby. Maybe I should take up drinking.

One minute, our house plans are dashed. Then their on, off, on, off. Car accident, Jasper's sickness, car repairs, you name it, it happens to us ten fold at the same time. I spent a few nights this week weepy and sad, knowing that we couldn't afford to move to Oakville for me to start school in January because of the above mentioned incidents. They had drained all our savings, no first and last rents money, no honeymoon, no nothing.

We've cancelled our honeymoon, knowing full well we cannot afford to go on it anymore. These things, I believe they call life experiences, are happening to us all at the same time. Now sitting with our finances in ruins, $1000 car deductible, $1400 cat emergency vet hospitalization, and $1100 in car repairs/winter tires, we're broke. Hell, who am I kidding, the car repairs haven't even been paid for yet, its the other $2400 bucks that left us in ruins, although the car repairs would have dented our savings, our honeymoon could have at least happened.

So I left myself at the beginning of the week, sad and depressed. No longer was I going back to school, moving to Oakville or going on my honeymoon to Florida with my husband. I wasn't sure what I should be thankful for today. I wasn't completely sure. Thankful I was still alive and married to my hubby? As it stands, its all I've got.

But today things changed. We wanted to speak with Adams parents, let them know whats up, and what, uh, wasn't up anymore...and his mom surprised us.  She suggested they buy us a condo, and we still move to Oakville, and I still go back to school... it was quite a surprising moment, not going to lie, and of course we cancelled our honeymoon through her, as she was the one that set it up through our timeshare company as it was.

So again, I sit in the roller car, making my way up to the peak of this coaster, well, what I think is the peak, waiting for my stomach to gush and lodge between my lungs and breastplate, knowing I shouldn't get overexcited about this, as it will most likely come tumbling down, c'est la vie n'est pas? Well regardless of that, I can't help but feel jovial and certain that this CAN work now. It can. I'm hopeful, and kind of bloated.

I figured something was messed up when I didn't bawl my godgiven eyes out at our wedding, should have known with my hormones up in a tizzy and all that it'd come to a boiling point...aka, yesterday.

We got our car back yesterday.  It's been a month since I crashed the damn thing on the 401.  Broke my heart to see it the week before I left, grabbed my GPS, and found my baby without doors or anything. I thought I was going to puke.

So driving after the accident wasn't too bad, I took to the Nissan sentra like it was my own. But then I drove my car yesterday and after being cut off three times and having to slam my breaks, and squeal tires once, I got home and nearly lost it. I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time.

I just don't want to fuck our situation up any more than I already did with the first accident. I don't want another one. Ever.

And now I get the news that Adam's brother doesnt want to move out with us, leaving us high and dry without someone to live with in Oakville, meaning we have to bank at least 1200 bucks a month for an apartment, when we can barely afford what we're doing now in Guelph alone! Im starting to think going back to school is a lot more of a hassel than I thought it was in the beginning. I know I can't drive to Oakville everyday, not after the accident....not even before then.

Of course Bruce did ask if without him moving out with us would it make it impossible for us to move, I said no. I lied. I didn't want to make him feel obligated for our sake. He'd do just that too, thats just the kind of guy he is.

Apparently living with us would be awkward. I can't say I get that feeling from him as I am completely comfortable with him....but whatever..he thinks it'd be awkward, I guess he would be awkward.... I figured he would be happy to have his dinner ready for him when he came home.

But alas, nothing ever works the way its suppose to with Adam and I. We always struggle. Its just in our books.

With everyone and their cousin getting the H1N1 (get better Ange and Jacob!), and that poor 13 year old boy in Toronto dying from H1N1 when he was in perfect health, its got me thinking of what I would want to do if I knew when I was going to die.

10 things I want to do Before I die.