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  • Transgender Disassociation

    Wednesday, February 8, 2012

    I know I haven't written since the end of last year, and a lot has happened.

    A new placement,
    A visit from the parents,
    Less than stellar health update,
    Etc. Etc.

    But this opinion peice just got my heart fluttering and thought I would share it with you.

    This comes from CBC's posting called Should transgender Canadians be protected by a new parliamentary bill? posted on Feb 1, 2012. 

    I loved the response, it made me happy.

    Just thought I would share it. Thanks ACommonTater!



    Monday, November 28, 2011
    University dreams just got a little clearer lambs. 

    I have the GPA for anywhere I wanna go ^_^ but either way I am looking at four semesters upgrading for Ryerson before I get into the running for their part time social worker bachelors program for January 2013. 

    The other option is to go to York starting in September 2012 (or earlier if I can manage it) and start off in second year. Part time is available too. Either way I'm looking at the same length in program.  Ryerson's part time program puts you in third year, and takes three years to complete.  York puts you in second year and gives you basically the same time frame for each semester.  

    I dunno what to do. I'm going to have to weigh the pros and con's. Figure out the easiest way for me to travel to Toronto, whether it be York or Ryerson.  York has a bus that goes straight to the university from Sheridan, so that is a viable option for me.  Either way I am looking at bus or train travel. OH I don't care. I am just so frigging happy that this is coming to fruition. 

    Not only am I gonna be a college graduate with a degree I'm proud to say I have, I'm starting my steps to being a University student. I swear.  I wish all my days were up days like today. Life would be the ultimate feeling ever. 


    Tuesdays always a bitch

    Tuesday, November 15, 2011

    I’m feeling anxious and out of place lately. Some days I am good, some I am not so good. Today would be one of those days where I feel like at any point during the day a meteor might come down and kill me dead. Of course I know that isn’t going to happen, but tell that to the anxiety wrenching in my stomach like some sort of parasite.
    I have the dentist today at 4:40pm and I am sure that has something to do with the anxious attitude.  I hate the dentist, as I have stated many times before. This isn’t a new thing for me.

    The one good thing going on today is the Drakes new album dropped. I don’t know what it is about music, but it really does something for the soul. Doesn’t matter what it is... it just makes me feel better. I think I was anxious for the album too.  I am a little bit obsessed maybe.

    As I said before, Tuesdays are not good days for me. I don’t know if its because its a heavy day for me at school, or the first day of the school week essentially for me ... I just have bad Tuesdays.

    I also don’t particularly enjoy my group methods class. I was also paired in that class with someone who couldn’t even find herself to come to school for two weeks, and she is so incredibly annoying. Like we’re doing an assignment in class and she is bouncing from one person to the next asking for answers. It’s like lady, your twice my age, you should have this shit down pat. Actually. Shes my mom's age, and has a kid my age. Mind-blowing.

     I don’t want to carry anyone else’s weight but my own. And if you're a friend and you ask me a question, I’ll commit to that. But this woman drives me. Fuck.

    Anxious to angry, angry to anxious, uncomfortable in my skin, impulsive... I am so scared this is the first days of many that’ll bring me back to the worst again. I just have this feeling of dread. Like its looming, and it’s been two years, and there’s nothing I can do. It’s coming. I can’t get away from it. 2 years break isn’t enough. The more instances I have higher chance I’ll have in living this illness my ENTIRE life at this level of intensity.

    I don’t know if I can do that.

    It’s just one shortfall after another. 
    Just sitting in psychology, procrastinating and trying to find something to preoccupy my mind. We are learning about schizophrenia today and it is quite scary.

    Maladaptive psychology this semester has had a lot of topics and things I don't think I am quite comfortable listening to. But then at times I am seriously interested in helping these people. Maybe because these mental disorders hit so close to home, that I am just not comfortable listening to it.

    my cousin Jonathan has schizophrenia, to which I think was drug induced, not genetically atypical, but thats besides the point.... anyway, experiencing the very little intereaction I had with after the diagnosis, compared to the interaction I had with him previous to the diagnosis, it really was intense. Is intense. He had a lot of catatonic state issues and talking to himself.

    Anyway, ramblings... weird...


    I'm a lesbian aren't I? lol

    Thursday, October 20, 2011
    So I've been given a first class window seat to see and feel and react to all the discrimination and hate people in the lgbtq community come into contact with every day of their lives.

    These people I meet day to day in schools have no idea I'm straight. They assume I'm a lesbian because I'm at the lgbtq table. I get unadulterated discrimination no different than a real lesbian would. Its hard.  I swear every time I go to one of these I am reassured I am in the right place. No doubt.

    Some days I struggle with my role in the lgbtq community because I am indirectly a part of the community. I am not lgbtq, but I love people who are, and some days that's enough, others I feel pushed aside because I'm straight and my ideas might not appeal to the lgbtq community in the way my organizers want. But I'm not here to appeal just to the lgbtq community. I'm here to change just one persons outlook on homosexualism, to plant a seed of understanding in one child's mind. To make this world an easier one for my very gay very wonderful friends.

    Sometimes I just need reminding.


    Wednesday, October 19, 2011
    A 15 year old Ottawa boy took his life because he was constantly harrassed and bullied in school.

    Tomorrow I am going to go to a Hamilton High School and I think I have to show these students the repercussions of their ignorant attempts at belittling children different from them.  15 years old is not entirely enough life to live before making the decision to end said life. That poor child.

    It isn't just about being gay. Its about millions of kids who take their lives, and the lives of others because of a child who doesn't know how to properly contain their anger, hurt, resentment etc. and in turn lashes out at those whom he or she decides is weak and a good target.

    I was bullied as a kid. I was overweight and continue to be so, and the taunting was unjust and horrific. I am still uncomfortable in my skin. Kids also made fun of other issues I had, but whatever I don't care to share is what I don't care to share.

    I'm just saying I know how it feels like to be bullied. I am also not denying the fact that I may hav been on the edge of life or death a couple times too. But I always got pulled back. Where was this boys lifeline?

    And this boy felt so alone, so isolated he felt the only way out was to end his life.  This shouldn't ever happen.

    Why isn't this front page news?


    Tuesday, October 18, 2011
    You know you are bored at work when you start doing things like this your webcam....

     I seem to have the same look each time. Although I am particularly fond of the middle one hahaha. That one is for Denise for sure, lol.


    Friday, October 14, 2011
    I've been practicing anti-socialism as of late. Its been nice to run off and detach myself from the people I usually spend most of my time with at school during breaks. I remember last year I really hated being alone at all, but now I hate not being alone....lol.

    I have also gotten into the habit of wearing my ear buds ALL the time....they aren't even plugged into my ipod....actually I don't even carry my ipod....just my ear buds.... LOL that's how antisocial I am. I just poke the plug in end into my pocket and pretend I'm listening to music! I mean mostly I do it because the college is very loud in the common areas, and the ear buds are sound reducing, so it helps me focus and ward off migraines, but yeah...totes using them for anti-socialism agendas as well.

    I wonder, does that make me bad person? lol.

    I mean, at least it means I'm smart...because people totally leave me alone when I put the buds in my ears.

    Whatever, I just really enjoy my own company these days. Surprising as I've always hated being alone in the past, and actually went out of my way to be with people who wouldn't of even made the same effort for me.

    The only thing I am craving right now, is some Nicole time. I am coming across so many things I want to talk to her about with my work at The Well, and I just have the need to relate. I think I know superficially what it feels like to be an "assumed lesbian", and she needs some recognition in my opinion.

    I also miss her familiarity. Unno, I get the same safe-net feeling from her that I get from Adam...which isn't too surprising, they are kind of the same person in a lot of ways, just different sexes, lol.  But aside from that, I want to be secluded and left alone.

    I also have been avoiding my mother, or perhaps not fighting hard enough to find time to speak with her. I know she is very worried, but I dunno... I am running on empty and need this week to go away so that everything can go back to normal.

    I also came home today from work at 2:30pm and slept from about 3pm to 7pm. It was awesome. The only problem now is that I really should be getting sleepy by now and finding my way to bed, to sleep. Instead I am on my computer, writing this, and again, as usual, feinding off sleep.  I read on my nook tablet for a while, but the screen was bugging my eyes, and I had nothing I wanted to read that didn't cost me an arm and a leg (56 bucks for a social workers guide to working with LGBTQ is totally not in the budget right now) so yeah.

    I have to go be productive or sleep or something... chow.

    Tuesdays have to be the worst day ever

    Tuesday, October 11, 2011

    It's like the last three Tuesdays in a row have been pure and utter hell.  I don't really know what is going on with me, but I totally not liking Tuesdays. 

    I have had a LOT of anxiety for the longest time, but it seems only to boil over on Tuesdays? Maybe its the reminder of the anxiety in Maladaptive Psychology at 8 fucking AM in the morning (too early for that shit) or the fact that I absolutely hate my second class.  I Think the combination of the crappy classes, crappy schedule, crappy classROOMS etc. etc. its just playing with my mind. I find that I'm just a little woo-hoooo in the brain lately. 

    Not cool.

    I dunno, I think I'm just being a spaz.

    On the upside, my floors are down in my room and it looks amazeballs.  Pics to come

    I just want to dress up the room so it takes away from the fact that my creepy roommate lives in my house. 


    Anyway, gonna wake up tomorrow morning and life IS GONNA BE AAAAAAAAWESOME!

    Brain Rattling

    Thursday, October 6, 2011
    So it feels like I have had these migraines for months now. I know it hasn't been that long, I just feel like it.

    I wanted to remind everyone in Ontario that today is the day you go to the Polls! If you didn't receive your voters card in the mail, just bring your id (driver's license or passport) and proof of residence (bill, letter etc.) to the nearest polling station and VOTE!

    If you don't vote, don't bitch!

    RIP Steve Jobs

    Steve Jobs the legendary Apple cofounder has died at the age of 56.

    I wonder what Apple will do next?

    Dude was brainsoplenty... 

    My condolences to his family and friends.

    Error WHAT?

    Tuesday, October 4, 2011
    what the hell is this? some reason this is what I am getting when I type google.ca. But if I got through my gmail and click on web at the top, it works fine.  Even messes up if I type google.com. Any ideas?

    Dear Mr. Asshole, I mean Hudak

    Dear Mr. Hudak:

    I want to let you know that I am ashamed to say I share the same province with you. After seeing this article, how your PC crowd just harassed and demoralized 10% of the people born in this world is beyond me. http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/toronto/story/2011/10/04/ontario-security-pc-candidate548.html

    I realize that you do not agree with sex-education classed for 6 year olds, I get it. But this defamatory propaganda you’re spewing is proverbial dog crap. You are literally taking a stab at the LGBT community in every single sentence on your new ad. Every single sentence Mr. Hudak. We are all humans, no matter or colour, creed, race, and even sexuality. I myself am a straight married women working with LGBT communities across the GTA and South-Western Ontario and I am extremely sad to see that your PC’s would take this stance…even more disappointed that you yourself would then approve and back up this garbage.

    Sexuality is so rampant these days, amongst even the youngest of children. If we can’t prevent them from being involved in sexual acts, we need to INFORM them. Let them know the dangers and provide them with the powerful knowledge to keep themselves safe and out of harm’s way. On the forefront of homophobia, biphobia and transphobia is the need to be INFORMED. Children need to understand that varying sexuality is NORMAL. The key to success is to be INFORMED. If you aren’t INFORMED you are IGNORANT. Have you noticed a pattern Mr. Hudak? INFORMATION IS POWER. Empower our youth to be the best they can be, no matter the skin they are in, the culture they come from, their sexuality or gender identity.

    Your PC oppressive reign is coming to a halt and I will be at the forefront. If only you knew how passionate the LGBT community was, you’d rally behind them, use them to support your campaign. Bless Mr. Layton for being a man of knowledge and respect, seeing an opportunity and embracing it.

    Hubris and superiority are not what I look for in a future leader. McGuinty may tax us, but you will demoralize us. I’ll pay for quality, where quality stands at the forefront. Apparently you will not.

    I leave you with one final thought.

    If you don't respect your fellow man, what kind of value do you have? To me? None. I am one of many Mr. Hudak.

    Kala Bennett-Alexander

    I totes sent this to the jerkface five seconds ago.

    Bullshit propaganda right from the assholes mouth

    If I don't write this down I will totally lose my shit!

    What the hell is this TIM HUDAK? How fucking homophobic is this?

    I just can't believe a real person would put this shit out there on the agenda. What year do we live in? WHAT COUNTRY?

    He says hes against sex ed for six year old. DUDE your not against sex ed for six year olds, YOUR AGAINST TEACHING CHILDREN ABOUT HOMOPHOBIA, BIPHOBIA and TRANSPHOBIA.  The only way to rid ourselves of these nasty phobias IS TO TALK ABOUT IT.  Teach our children right from wrong! 

    Don't judge a book by its cover damn it!

    WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?! People are people. Doesn't matter who you sleep with at the end of the day, or what fucking gender you wanna be.

    GOD this is vulgar but I can't say it any other way!


    Internet weirdo

    Previously I had mentioned that I was coming off one medication at a time in hopes that I would be drug free by the end of next year. The story is long and painful, not one I have entirely shared, but one that I am open and honest about when asked.

    The truth of the matter is I've been treated for varied depression and anxiety for the last four years, I might even surmise it was before then; the migraine medication I was on was also an antidepressant and beta-blocker known to decrease anxiety. At the end of 2009 I hit an all time low, was entering a very *morbid time in my life and it was a bad place. I took the only step I knew to take, I dragged my ass to my doctor. I know my mind was attached. I made the informed decision to seek professional help. I was a god damn catastrophe. I think I scared my newly graduated doctor.

    I was put on a pretty strong drug called Effexor. Effexor as of today, is on the top five most difficult drugs to transition from, amongst Paxil, Prozac, Celexa (derivative of Paxil) and Lexapro. It is even considered worse than Paxil, which is considered safely amongst doctors as the worst anti depressive drug on the market in regards to side effects. i.e. Paxil Flu. I have felt short term Effexor withdrawal, as it has a very short half-life of only 5 hours. This means that you can start feeling the withdrawal symptoms within missing ONE dose. I have a mind like a sieve; you know I have missed a few. I am only on 75mg at this moment but I am told by my doctor that it doesn't matter what your level of Effexor in your body is, it is just as dangerous as a 600mg dose. Also with my migraine disease my body is extremely susceptible to hormone and chemical flucuations which is horrible. Believe me.

    Anyway, back to the story, so I was also on a drug called Wellbutrin as well, given to me in January of 2011 when I noticed the sleeping extreme hours which totally didn’t work well with going back to school. I took the Wellbutrin which hilariously I took to counteract the Effexor side effects! Anywho, it was the smallest  Canadian dose possible of 100mg and I have been off Wellbutrin since September 20th.

    Here starts the rollercoaster.

    My body has been rejecting me fully and figuratively. Because of the migraine disease, when my Norepheniphine levels fluctuated with the ending of the drug phase, my body went into full on fight mode. I have had a migraine almost EVERY day since September 20th. Furthermore, I have been sleeping sporadically and very unsatisfactorily. I love sleep. I loved Effexor for the amazing sleep it gave me. God I love sleep. Almost as much as cheese cake and jello.

    I had one manic attack on the 27th, but was able to get over it by going home and being productive. I had a test that day too, so I probably was provoked.

    Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me she wasn't liking the fact that I have been off the medication and am having this type of adverse reaction with my migraines.... so now I am back on the Wellbutrin, one day on, one day off, for two weeks... if the migraines do not subside or decrease we'll make changes. I am SO not going back on this medication, I've already went through all this bullshit that it won't be for not!

    She is very worried about how I will react to the Effexor withdrawal, since the Wellbutrin withdrawal has been pretty bad for me. Apparently she is going to draft a cocktail of drugs to get me off the Effexor. How ridiculous is that? Drugs to come off drugs? isn't that a bit counterproductive? I looked up this cocktail idea and apparently it consists of a medical grade gravol type drug, a sleeping drug, and a drug like naproxen for body aches. Jesus what did I get myself into? I know made the right decision when I got help back then...but I wish I was able to figure out what drugs would be appropriate to come off of DOWN THE ROAD. Living the rest of my life on these drugs was never my intention. With the talk of starting a family soon Adam and I cannot be on any hardcore drugs. Aka, Kala can't be on hardcore drugs. If I get pregnant any day now it could mean serious complications for the baby.  My previous doctor did not have to assign the nazi of all drugs to me, but that is what she did and I guess that is what I am going to have to live with until I am off the drug next year. It is a shitty deal that is for sure. I am not impressed, but this doctor I have now seems to be much more educated the other.

    Anyway, this is the update to the previous post which kind of left some people in the dark of what was really going on. Also, fyi, people who suffer from migraines are almost twice as likely to suffer from depression; coincidence? I think not.

    simple life

    Monday, October 3, 2011
    Hi all Life has been very good these days.... i guess thats why the blogging has faultered... but i can live with that. Adams new job is going very well and he is very happy and in turn that makes me very happy too. He is actually talking about good stuff now, no drama like before, its refreshing. Him working so close to home also gives me the freedom to have the car, which i really enjoy since starting to work in downtown hamilton. It is exciting work. I am starting to get the swing of things and perhaps by november ill be taking on clients without supervision. I am super stoked to be gelping the youth group plan queer prom! Its going to be halloween themed and super fun. I am gonna see if i can get in on the chapperoning the event too. One thing i must address if you notice my spelling and grammar are off, i Ppologize asil i am feinding off much needed skeep by writing this on my table with one finger? Thats what some call brilliance.... or maddness, depends on the person. Lol. Anyway, life is good, so good. I am currently coming off some meds which are playing with my migraines (were talking migraines no stop for two weeks) but honestly the sooner i am off one, the sooner i can transition off the very lasrlt one....making me officially drug free! My illness isexpected to come back but it is nothing i cant handle with a little self trust and determination. Plus with my newly constructed support group ill be moving mountains again in no time. It is good. Very good. I am so blessed. K

    Ho's and mo' problems

    Tuesday, September 13, 2011
    I suppose I don't have Ho's. But I do have problems. lol
    I suppose they are also small in comparison to some other ones in the world, and to make it perfectly objectionable... its the only place in my life where I find myself screwing up my nose and wanting to hit a bitch.
    So here's the sitch, ma bitch. (Don’t ask...)
    We've been renting out a bedroom and out basement apartment since January 2011, and up until now everything was peachy keen, even when we had to see the downstairs couple leave early to return to Thailand quickly. The one problem I am having now is the fact that every time I come home, and not a single soul is in the house, the front door is both UNLOCKED and the alarm NOT ARMED.
    Now by no means am I exuberantly intelligent, but one should know that when you leave your house for any amount of time and no one is home at that moment, that you lock the door. I also like to hang out in our room upstairs and even then I lock the door and arm the alarm. I can't hear anything with the door closed! Someone could come in and steal my dog. Seriously, we don't own a lot but the feeling of invasion is bad enough having strangers live with you, but the fact that random’s could come into my house at any time and steal my shit would literally send me over the moon with anxiety. We also have the added security of an alarm panel, which we require our roommates to use. We like the alarm for the added security plus the fact that it watches the comings and goings of each person who arms and disarms the alarm at any point during the day. Never know when that kind of information is going to come in handy.
    I think I know who the main culprit is, but ... eh...I came home yesterday to find the front door and the alarm not to be armed. I knew our roommate upstairs had left shortly after me that morning and that he would not be back until after 6. I got home around 3:10pm and everything was wide open, and our downstairs roommate had her dog up with ours and ...well obviously it was her. She then came home about 30 minutes later, to announce she had been gone for TWO HOURS, with not a soul in the house, with the door unlocked and the alarm not armed.
    I didn't think about it right at that time, it wasn't until I sat down and realised that the damn house was open to the whole world and that scared me.
    So today I had enough, I posted a rather hasty note on the door stating:
    "Absolutely under NO circumstances are you to leave the house at ANY time without the door locked and alarm set. When entering the house and leaving the house, PLEASE ARM THE ALARM and LOCK THE DOOR BEHIND YOU. Also bring your keys with you always, or you might get locked out".
    I think I had reason to post it and if they find a problem with it, then they can move out. I would rather be safe than anything else.
    That’s my rant. Damn ranting makes me hungry.


    Thursday, September 1, 2011
    I totally have the tattoo itch again.

    I have wanted to get my first tattoo touched up because its pretty much a hack job, and on top of that I wanted to add something onto it. I'm kind of a wuss though?  The tattoo looked awesome (see pic) when I first got it but its got a few mistakes and needs some touch up. I've had it a year now, figure I can get it done. I want more added to it, like a tiger or something, but I think I'm going to have to wait a while after the retouching is done. lol.

    I now need an artist!

    Announcement to the Blogiverse

    Tuesday, August 30, 2011
    Dear blogiverse,

    IF you get married, don't invite me. I am all wedding'ed out for this summer THANK you very muchas.


    Jack Layton

    Tuesday, August 23, 2011
    I'm sad to say that Mr. Layton lost his fight against cancer yesterday morning. Its sad how many people cancer has taken away from us, and now to feel the increasing anxiety building from his death, our leading opposition hanging in the balance.... I'm afraid all his hard work will be undone.  I hope it is for not, because he spent his entire political life fighting for our rights.

    Maybe I might volunteer for this upcoming election... I just feel bad because I had such hopes for the work Mr. Layton would have orchestrated over the next four years. I suppose I should do something.