Tuesdays always a bitch
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I’m
feeling anxious and out of place lately. Some days I am good, some I am not so
good. Today would be one of those days where I feel like at any point during
the day a meteor might come down and kill me dead. Of course I know that isn’t
going to happen, but tell that to the anxiety wrenching in my stomach like some
sort of parasite.
I
have the dentist today at 4:40pm and I am sure that has something to do with
the anxious attitude. I hate the
dentist, as I have stated many times before. This isn’t a new thing for me.
The
one good thing going on today is the Drakes new album dropped. I don’t know
what it is about music, but it really does something for the soul. Doesn’t
matter what it is... it just makes me feel better. I think I was anxious for
the album too. I am a little bit
obsessed maybe.
As
I said before, Tuesdays are not good days for me. I don’t know if its because
its a heavy day for me at school, or the first day of the school week
essentially for me ... I just have bad Tuesdays.
I
also don’t particularly enjoy my group methods class. I was also paired in that
class with someone who couldn’t even find herself to come to school for two
weeks, and she is so incredibly annoying. Like we’re doing an assignment in
class and she is bouncing from one person to the next asking for answers. It’s
like lady, your twice my age, you should have this shit down pat. Actually. Shes my mom's age, and has a kid my age. Mind-blowing.
I don’t want to carry anyone else’s weight but my own. And if you're a friend
and you ask me a question, I’ll commit to that. But this woman drives me. Fuck.
Anxious
to angry, angry to anxious, uncomfortable in my skin, impulsive... I am so
scared this is the first days of many that’ll bring me back to the worst again.
I just have this feeling of dread. Like its looming, and it’s been two years,
and there’s nothing I can do. It’s coming. I can’t get away from it. 2 years
break isn’t enough. The more instances I have higher chance I’ll have in living
this illness my ENTIRE life at this level of intensity.
I
don’t know if I can do that.
It’s
just one shortfall after another.
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