Daily Rantics

The truth of the matter is I've been treated for varied depression and anxiety for the last four years, I might even surmise it was before then; the migraine medication I was on was also an antidepressant and beta-blocker known to decrease anxiety. At the end of 2009 I hit an all time low, was entering a very *morbid time in my life and it was a bad place. I took the only step I knew to take, I dragged my ass to my doctor. I know my mind was attached. I made the informed decision to seek professional help. I was a god damn catastrophe. I think I scared my newly graduated doctor.

I was put on a pretty strong drug called Effexor. Effexor as of today, is on the top five most difficult drugs to transition from, amongst Paxil, Prozac, Celexa (derivative of Paxil) and Lexapro. It is even considered worse than Paxil, which is considered safely amongst doctors as the worst anti depressive drug on the market in regards to side effects. i.e. Paxil Flu. I have felt short term Effexor withdrawal, as it has a very short half-life of only 5 hours. This means that you can start feeling the withdrawal symptoms within missing ONE dose. I have a mind like a sieve; you know I have missed a few. I am only on 75mg at this moment but I am told by my doctor that it doesn't matter what your level of Effexor in your body is, it is just as dangerous as a 600mg dose. Also with my migraine disease my body is extremely susceptible to hormone and chemical flucuations which is horrible. Believe me.

Anyway, back to the story, so I was also on a drug called Wellbutrin as well, given to me in January of 2011 when I noticed the sleeping extreme hours which totally didn’t work well with going back to school. I took the Wellbutrin which hilariously I took to counteract the Effexor side effects! Anywho, it was the smallest  Canadian dose possible of 100mg and I have been off Wellbutrin since September 20th.

Here starts the rollercoaster.

My body has been rejecting me fully and figuratively. Because of the migraine disease, when my Norepheniphine levels fluctuated with the ending of the drug phase, my body went into full on fight mode. I have had a migraine almost EVERY day since September 20th. Furthermore, I have been sleeping sporadically and very unsatisfactorily. I love sleep. I loved Effexor for the amazing sleep it gave me. God I love sleep. Almost as much as cheese cake and jello.

I had one manic attack on the 27th, but was able to get over it by going home and being productive. I had a test that day too, so I probably was provoked.

Anyway, I went to the doctor yesterday and she told me she wasn't liking the fact that I have been off the medication and am having this type of adverse reaction with my migraines.... so now I am back on the Wellbutrin, one day on, one day off, for two weeks... if the migraines do not subside or decrease we'll make changes. I am SO not going back on this medication, I've already went through all this bullshit that it won't be for not!

She is very worried about how I will react to the Effexor withdrawal, since the Wellbutrin withdrawal has been pretty bad for me. Apparently she is going to draft a cocktail of drugs to get me off the Effexor. How ridiculous is that? Drugs to come off drugs? isn't that a bit counterproductive? I looked up this cocktail idea and apparently it consists of a medical grade gravol type drug, a sleeping drug, and a drug like naproxen for body aches. Jesus what did I get myself into? I know made the right decision when I got help back then...but I wish I was able to figure out what drugs would be appropriate to come off of DOWN THE ROAD. Living the rest of my life on these drugs was never my intention. With the talk of starting a family soon Adam and I cannot be on any hardcore drugs. Aka, Kala can't be on hardcore drugs. If I get pregnant any day now it could mean serious complications for the baby.  My previous doctor did not have to assign the nazi of all drugs to me, but that is what she did and I guess that is what I am going to have to live with until I am off the drug next year. It is a shitty deal that is for sure. I am not impressed, but this doctor I have now seems to be much more educated the other.

Anyway, this is the update to the previous post which kind of left some people in the dark of what was really going on. Also, fyi, people who suffer from migraines are almost twice as likely to suffer from depression; coincidence? I think not.

SO, had my job interview today. It was pretty good.  I felt good about it.  Had time enough to get home,and stil the pot a little, when I got a call saying I had got the job!

I mean, he said he would be contating me shortly to let me know what was on the go, but... hell....he called literally an hour after I left. I mean, thats pretty damn "SHORTLY".

I took the job, but I know it wasn't the right thing to do.


You know, I wasn't excited this time. I remember when I got the job with Lynn, I ran around my apartment crying and laughing and saying "GO ME GO ME GO ME GO ME!!"... no lie, I did.

Then I called adam, and said GOMEGOMEGOMEGOME even faster.  He speaks my language, so he figured it out.

I know its a little soon to go into a job, but that house is dangling right in front of my face, and I just...want it so bad. I won't get a mortgage if we are only a single income earning family, although Adam makes good money, it ain't enough to buy me my shack on the hill.

So, I go to work on Tuesday, back to the ol' grind. This one will be a bit different.  I won't have as much responsibility, but I will certainly have to pull my socks up like, over my nose, checking for grammar and spelling.  SHut up, I'm not doing it now, so don't critize my postings. I am on a run here mmkay.

anyway, I know I got "A Game" but I'm frightened to start again.  I don't need to have another melt down.

He did ask me if there was any health issues he should know about, and I immediately said no.  I didn't feel that I should share that kind of information with him when I barely knew him.  It was only after Lynn and I went our separate ways, did I tell her the truth about everything.  She was like a deer in headlights. I don't think bosses need to know EVERYTHING.

So yeah.  congrats to me though, I guess..

So today I got my H1N1 vaccine. I also got my tetanus shot but that’s not as important as I don't happen upon rusty nails much in my line of work. Maybe a rusty staple?


Anyway, I got it. It hurt, but it is worth it.

I guess in a way, I'm doing it for all the people I come into contact with, but most importantly, the ones that are more susceptible to getting the H1N1 and dying from it.

So I mainly got it because my Godson and his mom spend a lot of time with Adam and I, and well, I couldn't live knowing I passed something deadly onto him, god forbid it actually killed him. Its the responsible decision I have to make for the health and safety of those I love deeply.

My arm effin' hurts though. But he's worth it.

So after work at 3pm today I'm driving out to the good ol' Whitby to pick up my girlfriend on the side Kat, and my partner in crime Nicole. Also known as the loves of my life, along with Robin of course. Lol.
It's been too long since those two gals have come out to visit, and I am SUPER SUPER pumped to have them out this weekend! I foresee a very lazy weekend however, throw in some good movies, a lot of video game playing (I think Adam loves my video game crazy friends, lol), and just a good relaxing time.
I have my MRI tomorrow morning, hopefully I won't have any issues with my foot that are crazy. It isn't getting better. I need to work work work on being able to walk properly for any amount of time. Surprising what a silly sprain (which just so happens to be a result of a Nicole visit, lol! loves it) back in September, that has now taken over my life. Eff that.
I had a bagel with cream cheese for two mornings in a row now, and I am totally bad ass, but I can't help it. I hate having restrictions in my life, when I know very well that my damn migraines aren't connected to my eating habits. If I'm stressed, my head hurts, if I'm involved in strenuous activity, my head hurts. After being brutally beaten during a session with Frank my massage therapist-- I HURT. Head to ties ladies and gents.
But nothing to do with my eating habits...and even if it turns out that some how they are connected, there’s no way in fucking hell I'm giving up dairy for past January. NO WAY.
Eff you migraines.
On another wonderful front, I am starting to feel a little better since last weeks... psychotic episode. I think having the warning that I could lose everything if I don't pull up my socks may have made me physically ill, as well as hurt like a mofo for a few days, but its true. I can't ever slack. I'm slacking right now whilst writing this, but this is my break, lol. Otherwise, no slacky.
I need to haul ass, 24/7. There is no room for mistakes, and that’s just the name of my profession. You fuck up, your ass is in the can.

Anyway, s'all you need to know right now.