Daily Rantics

I am a pretty open person in this lifetime.

I share whatever you ask of me for the most part, and I don't hide anything, i.e. I wouldn't add someone to facebook and not let them see all my information available.  If you are a friend, and I am consenting to adding you to facebook, I am adding you because I trust you.  Not that you could take something from my wall and "gossip" all the other 100 or so people can see it too...sooo....yeah.

I do keep my blog to myself, and very select people, only because things that are in this blog could/would/absolutely would upset my family. I don't tell my mother the inner workings of my mind and quite frankly, I sometimes think she is either not listening to me when I tell her key integral things about my life, or she has early onset alzheimers.  I don't know which is worse either.

Last week I went to an interview at a self-help aliance placement for mental illness and I thought it was neat. They told me that in order to be a part of their agency, I had to have experienced mental illness in the past or I have an ongoing battle.  This was refreshing believe it or not. I spend  a lot of time and energy balancing my mental health, and often times I find that people react as if I have airborne siphilis or some shit if I tell them I do. You can't catch the crazies.  And also to add to that statement, I am not crazy.

So I told my mother last night about the interview and how I liked it and how I thought it was so cool they wanted only people who had experienced mental illness and she was like "oh well I guess you can't do that".  and I was like....your shitting me right? WHY? Because I seriously don't have mental illness? are you cray cray? I think shes the crazy one. Not me.

 I have spent the past THREE years sharing intimate details of my mental health with my mother, having diagnoses handed to me from the doctor and fed into her ears via telephone, and girlfriend didnt even think I had mental illness.  It took me a long time to even let my mother know I was on medication for the anxiety. Only because I knew she would overreact and I just couldn't handle that. I was on them a good six months before I told her that I was on them. I guess I secretly hoped that the meds would affect my internal digestion and I wouldn't be so anxious about telling her.

Secondly, on top of mild depression and anxiety, I have an uncategorized ocd disorder often caught between a war with tourettes and simple finger biting, or skin picking classification. I do bite my nails (but have been bite nail free since May 12!)  I don't tell people about this one often. Just because it is very rare and people just... just don't understand mental illness in the first place, let alone one such as mine.  I usually pick a disease or ailment that closely mirrors my illness and tell people I have that. Only so I don't have to explain the latin terms and the ingenuity of the disease.  Not to mention that there is no cure and that this is the rest of my life on a tarnished silver platter... I also think its gross and other people do too. I know it.


So why mention it now? to this group of people who read my blog and sometimes comment... why mention at all any innerworkings of my brain? Especially the most important part to me, which is the Kala with mental illness.  Because I have been slowly getting sick of lying to people.  I had a friend tell me I wasn't lying to people by not telling them every minute peice of information about me, but I feel I am because it is such a huge part of my life and I have a hard time opening up if I really am not, "opening up".  Sigh.

Regarless. Today is a growing day.

I also could really go for a nap.

K

Do you need a reason to live?


I've asked myself this a few times in my short life, mostly because I look at everyone on the outside and covet what they have. I will admit this fully. Today I've seen things I can't unsee.

I walked into The Knights Table today (a food bank), that doubles as a soup kitchen, that doubles as a breakfast program, that doubles as a family fun centre that doubles as a meals on wheels, that doubles as a .... Shall I go on?

The building is falling down around me. The kitchen equipment is remarkably clean, albeit older than I am for sure. The tables and chairs are doubtedly younger than the building itself. I look around, and I see people in need. Today it’s a frigid -9 but it feels like -36. It is a slow time for the kitchen, it'll close soon. But there is a woman with her three children all under the age of 6 sitting in the corner eating soup and pizza, playing a game together, spending much needed time together, during this incredibly cold day.

Another man sits down the table from them enjoying the soup. He doesn't look over 30 and dressed okay, but you can tell he might just "live" inside his own world.

I feel guilty. I'm here on an orientation, so I can spend one day of my time volunteering for a school project. I'm basically using this organization to score me an "A".

I note their need for...everything. They need everything. What do I need?

They help thousands of families ...every year, providing a warm safe environment for homeless and the less fortunate to go catch a warm healthy meal. They work with barely the necessities, but they have over 500 volunteers come in through their doors, helping to keep this place afloat. Like I said, THEY NEED HELP

This organization is taking advantage of the opportunity to enrol in the Pepsi Refresh Grant. They have ranked 18th so far on the list, and in my opinion as I scroll through the others that are before them, they deserve it the most.
Please spare a minute and sign up for the Pepsi Refresh Challenge and vote for The Knights Table. They need this so badly, and their clientele need them badly as well.

If you need more convincing, check out this video made by Peel Poverty Action Group in association with York University.  This is real.  This are people that you might see from day to day.  These are people that WORK at The Knights Table.  These are people who need recognition. All you need to do is vote.

We can't ignore this anymore. It isn't taboo, its truth.

A lot of my clients like to pull the "depression" card, for instance "my wife was on anti depressants last year, and I don't think she can be a good mother because of it". The sad thing is, THIS COULD ACTUALLY STAND UP IN COURT. But no one cares that last year that this lady's her mother died, and she had a miscarriage all at the same time that pushed her to seek help. No one cares that the depression could have been situational and not chemical. I hate this stance, because it scares the crap out of me knowing that someday, Adam could just whip that card out of his deck and say that I'm not a good mom because I once fought depression.
Some women experience post-partum depression, and I even read a brief where a lawyer actually went after a woman in court for having post partum and labeled her a bad mother because of it! Of course, the judge was a female and the judge dismissed the lawyer and the Respondents claim as the mother had had treatment for her post partum and had approached the disorder in a controlled and informed matter.

But sometimes you’re not so lucky.

I would just like you to know, that it’s hard living with depression. It's hard not being able to help yourself, let alone someone who depends on you like your child would. But there are ways to manage these effects so that you can go throughout your day.

Because a mother or father takes medication for depression does not make them a bad parent. As long as they stay on the drug and follow doctors orders, they should be able to reintegrate back into society without none being the wiser that this person had an issue in the first place.

My whole rant today is how I hate the fact that depression even comes up in a court proceeding, especially if the person has it under control and the other party wants to bring this condition to light because they've run out of "ammo".

Anyway that’s my rant for today. I'm tired.