Weirdness
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I am a pretty open person in this lifetime.
I share whatever you ask of me for the most part, and I don't hide anything, i.e. I wouldn't add someone to facebook and not let them see all my information available. If you are a friend, and I am consenting to adding you to facebook, I am adding you because I trust you. Not that you could take something from my wall and "gossip" all the other 100 or so people can see it too...sooo....yeah.
I do keep my blog to myself, and very select people, only because things that are in this blog could/would/absolutely would upset my family. I don't tell my mother the inner workings of my mind and quite frankly, I sometimes think she is either not listening to me when I tell her key integral things about my life, or she has early onset alzheimers. I don't know which is worse either.
Last week I went to an interview at a self-help aliance placement for mental illness and I thought it was neat. They told me that in order to be a part of their agency, I had to have experienced mental illness in the past or I have an ongoing battle. This was refreshing believe it or not. I spend a lot of time and energy balancing my mental health, and often times I find that people react as if I have airborne siphilis or some shit if I tell them I do. You can't catch the crazies. And also to add to that statement, I am not crazy.
So I told my mother last night about the interview and how I liked it and how I thought it was so cool they wanted only people who had experienced mental illness and she was like "oh well I guess you can't do that". and I was like....your shitting me right? WHY? Because I seriously don't have mental illness? are you cray cray? I think shes the crazy one. Not me.
I have spent the past THREE years sharing intimate details of my mental health with my mother, having diagnoses handed to me from the doctor and fed into her ears via telephone, and girlfriend didnt even think I had mental illness. It took me a long time to even let my mother know I was on medication for the anxiety. Only because I knew she would overreact and I just couldn't handle that. I was on them a good six months before I told her that I was on them. I guess I secretly hoped that the meds would affect my internal digestion and I wouldn't be so anxious about telling her.
Secondly, on top of mild depression and anxiety, I have an uncategorized ocd disorder often caught between a war with tourettes and simple finger biting, or skin picking classification. I do bite my nails (but have been bite nail free since May 12!) I don't tell people about this one often. Just because it is very rare and people just... just don't understand mental illness in the first place, let alone one such as mine. I usually pick a disease or ailment that closely mirrors my illness and tell people I have that. Only so I don't have to explain the latin terms and the ingenuity of the disease. Not to mention that there is no cure and that this is the rest of my life on a tarnished silver platter... I also think its gross and other people do too. I know it.
So why mention it now? to this group of people who read my blog and sometimes comment... why mention at all any innerworkings of my brain? Especially the most important part to me, which is the Kala with mental illness. Because I have been slowly getting sick of lying to people. I had a friend tell me I wasn't lying to people by not telling them every minute peice of information about me, but I feel I am because it is such a huge part of my life and I have a hard time opening up if I really am not, "opening up". Sigh.
Regarless. Today is a growing day.
I also could really go for a nap.
K
I share whatever you ask of me for the most part, and I don't hide anything, i.e. I wouldn't add someone to facebook and not let them see all my information available. If you are a friend, and I am consenting to adding you to facebook, I am adding you because I trust you. Not that you could take something from my wall and "gossip" all the other 100 or so people can see it too...sooo....yeah.
I do keep my blog to myself, and very select people, only because things that are in this blog could/would/absolutely would upset my family. I don't tell my mother the inner workings of my mind and quite frankly, I sometimes think she is either not listening to me when I tell her key integral things about my life, or she has early onset alzheimers. I don't know which is worse either.
Last week I went to an interview at a self-help aliance placement for mental illness and I thought it was neat. They told me that in order to be a part of their agency, I had to have experienced mental illness in the past or I have an ongoing battle. This was refreshing believe it or not. I spend a lot of time and energy balancing my mental health, and often times I find that people react as if I have airborne siphilis or some shit if I tell them I do. You can't catch the crazies. And also to add to that statement, I am not crazy.
So I told my mother last night about the interview and how I liked it and how I thought it was so cool they wanted only people who had experienced mental illness and she was like "oh well I guess you can't do that". and I was like....your shitting me right? WHY? Because I seriously don't have mental illness? are you cray cray? I think shes the crazy one. Not me.
I have spent the past THREE years sharing intimate details of my mental health with my mother, having diagnoses handed to me from the doctor and fed into her ears via telephone, and girlfriend didnt even think I had mental illness. It took me a long time to even let my mother know I was on medication for the anxiety. Only because I knew she would overreact and I just couldn't handle that. I was on them a good six months before I told her that I was on them. I guess I secretly hoped that the meds would affect my internal digestion and I wouldn't be so anxious about telling her.
Secondly, on top of mild depression and anxiety, I have an uncategorized ocd disorder often caught between a war with tourettes and simple finger biting, or skin picking classification. I do bite my nails (but have been bite nail free since May 12!) I don't tell people about this one often. Just because it is very rare and people just... just don't understand mental illness in the first place, let alone one such as mine. I usually pick a disease or ailment that closely mirrors my illness and tell people I have that. Only so I don't have to explain the latin terms and the ingenuity of the disease. Not to mention that there is no cure and that this is the rest of my life on a tarnished silver platter... I also think its gross and other people do too. I know it.
So why mention it now? to this group of people who read my blog and sometimes comment... why mention at all any innerworkings of my brain? Especially the most important part to me, which is the Kala with mental illness. Because I have been slowly getting sick of lying to people. I had a friend tell me I wasn't lying to people by not telling them every minute peice of information about me, but I feel I am because it is such a huge part of my life and I have a hard time opening up if I really am not, "opening up". Sigh.
Regarless. Today is a growing day.
I also could really go for a nap.
K
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