Daily Rantics

Sometimes I feel I have to remind you that I am still here, more than just a physical presence, but on a mental level as well. We don't have to see each other to still move on and communicate.  I am always here to talk, listen, help.  But I feel you don't completely look at me in that sense. Which is OK. 

I wish I could just say "I spoke to Nikki today, shes doing OK". But reality is, we rarely speak, or communicate in any means for that matter.

When we were little, I dreamed for a princess wedding, flying ponies and pancake cakes aside, I pictured you there, and my family beside me.  I never saw the grooms face, and that was okay, I was 8, but now I am 23, marrying my equal, my confidant, my love, and my princess wedding still hasn't changed in my mind.  The picture is still vivid, you are there, my family and me, the important part is that my groom has a face now and I see no other way to marry, but in full princess fashion. With you.

But you make it difficult for me. You've distanced yourself from me. You've apologized profusely for making me cry or worry over the wedding because you haven't been available to me. It hurts. You're not emotionally available, nor are you available in any other sense. I just need you, and you're not here.

You wouldn't need to apologize if you would just let me in.  I wouldn't have to wonder or assume that you are ignoring me and the duties you swore to uphold as being my maid of honour in my wedding, the second most important day of my life.  If you'd only let me know whats going on in your life, I wouldn't have to have my mind run rampant, you know I do that.

I realise what we were, and what we are now.  What we had, what we were when we were kids is gone.  We can't go back.  You don't consider me your "best friend" anymore, and nor I, you.  That's OK. We grew apart, we both knew what was coming when you left that day, and you accepted it, I struggled, but I came to terms. Its water under the bridge.  You are incredibly important to me, perhaps one of the most important people to me, outside my family, new and old. One thing I do know is that you had some profound affect on my life, on me, experiences I gained from knowing you and being your best friend have shaped me into the person I am today. Losing you once also changed my life. You had such an effect on me, that I'd give you the most awesome task, most highly valued role in my wedding, as maid of honour, even after having so much past behind us. Even after having you shortly back into my life, I knew it was going to happen, because the princess wedding was happening, I knew it. But you haven't been matronly to me, you haven't let me into you life, and that, itself, has had a profound effect on my wedding.

I have had to face much scrutiny from my friends and family, and mostly my wedding party, on how lenient I have been with you, and how I let you run excuses around me, but I can't help it. I'm blindly in love with our story, our friendship, I would forgive you if you burnt down my wedding, and my groom. I would. Eventually, because whoever you are, whatever you were when we were kids, is still there, and is still as important to me as the day I knew you were my best friend.

I have also had to face unspoken scrutiny from someone very close to me, someone who rightly deserves to be the maid of honour, and she does deserve it, but she won't get to do it, because you...are you.

I made a lot of decisions on picking who was in my bridal party. I first looked at their availability, accessibility, and MONEY. I did not want to burden a friend into being in my wedding party when they were short on money, knowing that they would have to pay for a plane ticket, a dress, shoes, hair, and other brides maid things that go along with the job. And I know that it would NOT be my favourite thing to do(if the shoe was on the other foot), to turn down a friend when she offers me a spot in her bridal party, so I made the decision for some people on my own. I wouldn't be able to let them choose between food on the table, and a brides maid dress.  They may not think they would do this to themselves, but who knows you better then your closest friends? No one. (((Yes, you're reading this, and knowing exactly that I am speaking to you. In no way did I mean you disrespect by not choosing you, I was trying to protect you from yourself. Never did I even think once you'd make it to the wedding AT ALL, let alone be in the party.))) I had to scratch people off my list, because I knew they couldn't possibly afford to be there, I couldn't handle not knowing whether or not they would make it to my wedding or not, because I had you on the front lines, sitting there, able to go, willing to go, telling me money wasn't the issue, and that we would be OK. 

I know situations change, and I know you have faced some very dark dark issues in the last couple months, only because I pryed them from your barely live hands via telephone.  Not because you came to me, and said you were hurting, or that you couldn't devote your whole brain to my wedding, or even a quarter, because you were in such a hard place.

I feel I have to get angry, and cry, then tell you you've hurt me, or that I'm upset. Then you apologize, it's like we're already married or something.

But there isn't make-up sex in our relationship. 

You really need to stand up, and stand out, and soon. I am afraid this'll be my last scrap book page, in your book, after the wedding. I won't pursue a relationship with you, if you do not want one with me, or only when its convenient. I love you more than anything healthy in life, and I have to say this, because if I don't, I'll just contradict myself and things will go back to the way they were before. Me making the effort. Me texting, Me calling, Me setting up times for you to visit, or me to visit. Me.

This relationship is not a one way street. Sometimes I feel like we really ARE married. Sad. Maybe estranged? I don't know. All I know is, this is incredibly long, and incredibly obscure. Good luck deciphering it.

Love is a strange, strange emotion.