Love keeps us kind
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Last night I had a surge of energy, or ...avoidance energy that let me delve into a project I have been putting off, thats due on Friday.
It seems this happens to me a lot.
I remember one time, when I was still a kid and my mom and dad still smoked, my best friend in the world told me one day after me asking her to sleep over on the Saturdays that she had to go to the orthodontist (since her parents would have to drive by my house anyway), that her mom didn't like her sleeping over before the orthodontist because she came out smelling bad, from the smoke, and she didn't want her going out without a shower first. Her parents are non smokers, but I remember feeling like she was directly calling us dirty, and I went home and I litterally scrubbed the walls, the furniture, the carpet, hand and knee, in my room, somehow trying to erase what her mom had thought of us because my parents smoked. I literally ransacked my room, spent close to six hours stripping the place. When I was done I remember sitting down and crying my eyes out.
I have done similar things, kind of going into a trance and doing something without much brain activity. I remember in grade school a boy called me chunky and I remember doing sit up after sit up on our hard apartment carpet, doing so much when I got up I had litterally burned a hole in my skin on my butt through my jogging pants. I didn't feel it happening.
And then yesterday, after the whole argument about struggling for power, and my leadership and focus on grades I went home and litterally sat at the dining room table from 6 until quarter to 12 doing a project. I then woke up this morning to find that I can barely walk. Most likely because my hip probably started acting up during the cram last night, but I didnt realize it.
I am so glad I have physio today because if not, I don't know if I will be able to walk tomorrow. Alex will yell at me for doing that, but ... what does he know.
I guess I put alot on what people think of me.
But maybe I just don't let that on.
Maybe thats why I struggled so much to cut my hair off and why I needed so badly to come out from behind this facade and share myself with someone, even mere strangers at that point.
I'm really just looking for a friend who I can trust with my secrets, who won't talk about me behind my back, who would be completely honest regardless of the consequences, I just need something genuine for the first time in my life.
Adam is my husband and he shares this burden alone. But he has no one to share it with. I have no one else but him to share it with.
I realize without him I would probably not be here. But there has to be someone out there that lives selflessly?
It seems this happens to me a lot.
I remember one time, when I was still a kid and my mom and dad still smoked, my best friend in the world told me one day after me asking her to sleep over on the Saturdays that she had to go to the orthodontist (since her parents would have to drive by my house anyway), that her mom didn't like her sleeping over before the orthodontist because she came out smelling bad, from the smoke, and she didn't want her going out without a shower first. Her parents are non smokers, but I remember feeling like she was directly calling us dirty, and I went home and I litterally scrubbed the walls, the furniture, the carpet, hand and knee, in my room, somehow trying to erase what her mom had thought of us because my parents smoked. I literally ransacked my room, spent close to six hours stripping the place. When I was done I remember sitting down and crying my eyes out.
I have done similar things, kind of going into a trance and doing something without much brain activity. I remember in grade school a boy called me chunky and I remember doing sit up after sit up on our hard apartment carpet, doing so much when I got up I had litterally burned a hole in my skin on my butt through my jogging pants. I didn't feel it happening.
And then yesterday, after the whole argument about struggling for power, and my leadership and focus on grades I went home and litterally sat at the dining room table from 6 until quarter to 12 doing a project. I then woke up this morning to find that I can barely walk. Most likely because my hip probably started acting up during the cram last night, but I didnt realize it.
I am so glad I have physio today because if not, I don't know if I will be able to walk tomorrow. Alex will yell at me for doing that, but ... what does he know.
I guess I put alot on what people think of me.
But maybe I just don't let that on.
Maybe thats why I struggled so much to cut my hair off and why I needed so badly to come out from behind this facade and share myself with someone, even mere strangers at that point.
I'm really just looking for a friend who I can trust with my secrets, who won't talk about me behind my back, who would be completely honest regardless of the consequences, I just need something genuine for the first time in my life.
Adam is my husband and he shares this burden alone. But he has no one to share it with. I have no one else but him to share it with.
I realize without him I would probably not be here. But there has to be someone out there that lives selflessly?
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