Daily Rantics

Last night I had a surge of energy, or ...avoidance energy that let me delve into a project I have been putting off, thats due on Friday.

It seems this happens to me a lot.

I remember one time, when I was still a kid and my mom and dad still smoked, my best friend in the world told me one day after me asking her to sleep over on the Saturdays that she had to go to the orthodontist (since her parents would have to drive by my house anyway),  that her mom didn't like her sleeping over before the orthodontist because she came out smelling bad, from the smoke, and she didn't want her going out without a shower first. Her parents are non smokers, but  I remember feeling like she was directly calling us dirty, and I went home and I litterally scrubbed the walls, the furniture, the carpet, hand and knee, in my room, somehow trying to erase what her mom had thought of us because my parents smoked. I literally ransacked my room, spent close to six hours stripping the place. When I was done I remember sitting down and crying my eyes out.

I have done similar things, kind of going into a trance and doing something without much brain activity.  I remember in grade school a boy called me chunky and I remember doing sit up after sit up on our hard apartment carpet, doing so much when I got up I had litterally burned a hole in my skin on my butt through my jogging pants. I didn't feel it happening.

And then yesterday, after the whole argument about struggling for power, and my leadership and focus on grades I went home and litterally sat at the dining room table from 6 until quarter to 12 doing a project.  I then woke up this morning to find that I can barely walk. Most likely because my hip probably started acting up during the cram last night, but I didnt realize it.

I am so glad I have physio today because if not, I don't know if I will be able to walk tomorrow. Alex will yell at me for doing that, but ... what does he know.

I guess I put alot on what people think of me.

But maybe I just don't let that on.

Maybe thats why I struggled so much to cut my hair off and why I needed so badly to come out from behind this facade and share myself with someone, even mere strangers at that point.

I'm really just looking for a friend who I can trust with my secrets, who won't talk about me behind my back, who would  be completely honest regardless of the consequences, I just need something genuine for the first time in my life.

Adam is my husband and he shares this burden alone. But he has no one to share it with. I have no one else but him to share it with.

I realize without him I would probably not be here. But there has to be someone out there that lives selflessly?

So today was a pretty off day.


I'm a little emotional, dealing with that time of the month, and it always makes me weapy and sentimental.

So we had a group meeting today, and well... to say it nicely, shit hit the fan. A lot of people haven't been doing their required work, and first off, we had a super loud place to meet today since there were no meeting rooms left for us to use. So we sat on the couches by tim Hortons. big mistake. It was so loud, we were yelling. Which is normal for Denise and I since were often loud, lol.

Anyway it was a shit show. It was so loud we were yelling, people thought Denise and I were being rude because we were yelling, when we were only yelling because the level of noise in the area was deafening. Then if I don't hear some girls comment, apparently I'm ignoring her.

Then I get told that I took the leader role, and went with it. Apparently it wasn't appreciated and I should have not.. But I just decided to take the helm because I was more concerned about my hiney, I knew we might have a hard time reeling in 8 different people, and figured if we set dates to have things done, it would mean that Claudiu (my partner within the group) and I would receiving all the references from the other people in the group, and we wouldn't be left scrambling the day before the presentation trying to get everyone's references in because they didn't bother to do their work or they waited until the last minute to do their work. So really I suggested we set three dates because I didn't want to be overly stressed because I other people waited last minute to do their work. Apparently that’s inappropriate. I admit I did it to save my own skin, but the reaction I received was less than stellar.

Then my other friend who is the scribe in this group was so overwhelmed she had to leave. I then later worried if my reactions affected her, but she later filled me in that it wasn't me. Still.

I advocate for others, I get burned. I advocate for myself, I get burned. This really isn't a win win situation.

Very unpleasant. But whatever, I think I'll step back, and take a breather. I know this new leader thing is being a bit of a new annoyance to me... I'm glad that I'm changing and taking on new initiatives, but I don't want those initiatives to ruin my school function. It’s annoying. Ps. Writing the word initiatives is hard. Too many i’s. Lol

Anyway, the day will go on, I will go on, and well, those other people will live on too. I just have to tone it down a little, I think I might be a little too forthcoming, and letting too much of me out. I thought that coming out to everyone about some things would be a healing experience, and it was....but now I feel like people may think they know a little more about me than they really do. I don’t want to be a summation of my fears and issues.

But whatever the case, I will tarry.
PPS. I got 96% on my last psychology test, who rocks? Yes. Anal retentive self drowning Kala is. Yes siree.

K

You have to understand, that as you are alone right now, so am I. My family is miles away from me, I have Adam and his wonderful family, which I am very very thankful for...but they aren't the same homey feeling I get from my family back home. I get that from you. And I cherish that feeling from you. I also feel that you are the only person in the entire world that I can be me around, and that I express myself and everything I am thinking to you, no holds barred. I want to be honest with you, but I feel I am overstepping my boundaries, and what’s the use anyway, I waste my breath preaching to you. I feel like a parent to you, rather than a friend. I don't want that.

So I'm making this step in the right direction today. I cannot be supportive of your demeaning and hurtful decisions in life. I cannot be a bystander, watching this freak show. I'm stepping back. I will miss you. And I love you.

I am still here, but only when you want me too.  I have no more energy.