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    • Fear of Falling

    Friday, April 15, 2011

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    I am starting to feel a little better about this week, seeming as I have all my presentations done, finished two exams today and at the beginning of the week, I felt like I was feeling normal again, even with the rush of exams and project due dates looming.

    Then Adam and I took a drive, on this blistery freezing day, and he drove past the hospital, made a vague comment...and it all fell down at my feet again.

    He didn't mean it, I mean, I'm the one that is always telling him not to tip toe around me and I believe this was what he was doing when he said what he said today.

    I hadn't let it past through my mind since about Saturday of last week. I twisted my ankle again, and while sitting on the stoop holding my breath, I really wanted familiarity. I wanted my mom, my dad, something familiar, my family. I suppose its okay to feel that way at 24.

    But I was pre-pmsing. I am pmsing now.

    And now I sit here, pmsing, emotional and absolutely drained from the busiest week I've experienced since my friend college stint, and I worry. It seems these emotions drenched posts always come this time every month.

    Today is April 15th. I hope everything is okay.

    You can never deny that I think of you even when I try hard not to. I welcomed her today. Whether or not she decided to come or not. Whether or not you wanted me to.

    And I secretly stalked you even when you blocked me. Only because I worried.

    I think I realised tonight that I gripe over this once a week, and I still wonder to myself if I made a mistake putting myself first...and even though my mind is telling me I need to take care of myself and I need to keep myself as number one, my heart is telling me I fucked up big time.

    For once I wish both were on the same page.

    Is this what it feels like to be in an sick relationship where he beats the shit out of you but you still love him like nothing else matters? I always thought myself to be a healthy relationship person, but I'm starting to see a lot of unhealthy things I do to myself.

    For a while I was okay, but now I worry about you constantly.

    WHY do I concern myself when I need not be concerned? It's not my business says rational Kala, but my heart breaking sends a message that I am so off course.

    Truth is you probably haven't thought about this once. Yet I'm the one griping.

    I need a hobby. Maybe I should take up drinking.

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