Daily Rantics

Just sitting in psychology, procrastinating and trying to find something to preoccupy my mind. We are learning about schizophrenia today and it is quite scary.

Maladaptive psychology this semester has had a lot of topics and things I don't think I am quite comfortable listening to. But then at times I am seriously interested in helping these people. Maybe because these mental disorders hit so close to home, that I am just not comfortable listening to it.

my cousin Jonathan has schizophrenia, to which I think was drug induced, not genetically atypical, but thats besides the point.... anyway, experiencing the very little intereaction I had with after the diagnosis, compared to the interaction I had with him previous to the diagnosis, it really was intense. Is intense. He had a lot of catatonic state issues and talking to himself.

Anyway, ramblings... weird...


k

I've been practicing anti-socialism as of late. Its been nice to run off and detach myself from the people I usually spend most of my time with at school during breaks. I remember last year I really hated being alone at all, but now I hate not being alone....lol.

I have also gotten into the habit of wearing my ear buds ALL the time....they aren't even plugged into my ipod....actually I don't even carry my ipod....just my ear buds.... LOL that's how antisocial I am. I just poke the plug in end into my pocket and pretend I'm listening to music! I mean mostly I do it because the college is very loud in the common areas, and the ear buds are sound reducing, so it helps me focus and ward off migraines, but yeah...totes using them for anti-socialism agendas as well.

I wonder, does that make me bad person? lol.

I mean, at least it means I'm smart...because people totally leave me alone when I put the buds in my ears.

Whatever, I just really enjoy my own company these days. Surprising as I've always hated being alone in the past, and actually went out of my way to be with people who wouldn't of even made the same effort for me.

The only thing I am craving right now, is some Nicole time. I am coming across so many things I want to talk to her about with my work at The Well, and I just have the need to relate. I think I know superficially what it feels like to be an "assumed lesbian", and she needs some recognition in my opinion.

I also miss her familiarity. Unno, I get the same safe-net feeling from her that I get from Adam...which isn't too surprising, they are kind of the same person in a lot of ways, just different sexes, lol.  But aside from that, I want to be secluded and left alone.

I also have been avoiding my mother, or perhaps not fighting hard enough to find time to speak with her. I know she is very worried, but I dunno... I am running on empty and need this week to go away so that everything can go back to normal.

I also came home today from work at 2:30pm and slept from about 3pm to 7pm. It was awesome. The only problem now is that I really should be getting sleepy by now and finding my way to bed, to sleep. Instead I am on my computer, writing this, and again, as usual, feinding off sleep.  I read on my nook tablet for a while, but the screen was bugging my eyes, and I had nothing I wanted to read that didn't cost me an arm and a leg (56 bucks for a social workers guide to working with LGBTQ is totally not in the budget right now) so yeah.

I have to go be productive or sleep or something... chow.

Tuesday.


It's like the last three Tuesdays in a row have been pure and utter hell.  I don't really know what is going on with me, but I totally not liking Tuesdays. 


I have had a LOT of anxiety for the longest time, but it seems only to boil over on Tuesdays? Maybe its the reminder of the anxiety in Maladaptive Psychology at 8 fucking AM in the morning (too early for that shit) or the fact that I absolutely hate my second class.  I Think the combination of the crappy classes, crappy schedule, crappy classROOMS etc. etc. its just playing with my mind. I find that I'm just a little woo-hoooo in the brain lately. 


Not cool.


I dunno, I think I'm just being a spaz.


On the upside, my floors are down in my room and it looks amazeballs.  Pics to come


I just want to dress up the room so it takes away from the fact that my creepy roommate lives in my house. 


fml.


Anyway, gonna wake up tomorrow morning and life IS GONNA BE AAAAAAAAWESOME!

What a day I had today.

I had my social justice class exam today and it was brutal.  I didn't really know what to study and turns out, what we all had studied was really not the right thing to be studying for this exam.

It was really easy to tell that no one was really ready for this exam.  All you could hear was complaints and grumbling about how no one knew what to study or where to go with the questions that were actually on the exam.

I was really not OK with how this exam went and I am sure that I did not get any thing more than 70%.  That really sucks!  I knew I wasn't going to do very well on this test, since I really didn't study…  Mostly because it made me angry to not know what to study in the first place…  But if we really had something to go on I would've been OK.

I decided that I would e-mail my professor to let him know of my distaste for this exam.  I totally social worked him by using the sandwich method which basically says a positive then a negative and says another positive.  I hope he's proud lol.

I really should be studying human development life Spans but I just can't get buckled down.  IM more likely to fall asleep during study then actually learning anything because sleeping while studying seems to be my thing.  Instead, I find myself using my speech recognition software on my windows seven operating system to write this post.  It has been frustrating at times, but it is certainly a very neat thingy.

Clearly my articulation needs some work…  Or this program thinks I am an idiot.

Excuse me, while I go and study for this stupid exam.


peace and chicken grease.

-kala

It's been more than a while, again.

I think its good when I don't have to write something in my blog. Usually I gravitate towards writing when I am lost or listless or not feeling suscinct.
Well, I am neither of those things today, thankfully, as I have had a wonderful time sleeping today and going over university websites  giving me the opportunity to attend part time Summer 2012. It is quite the experience, or feeling I should say.

I think I have decided on Ryerson, although the thought of going to UoGuelph is hauntingly attractive, especially since they might/ seem to have direct linkage to social service worker programs allowing better access and achieved credits. Adam and I kind of had a mutual agreement that it was time to pull our hearts out of Guelph and focus on where we are now, even if it is in the GTA.  I love my house, and I love my neighborhood...and I love that I have the option for many other types of social services on either side of me (Hamilton, Toronto) but I just miss Guelph.  We finally made the decision to change our family doctor and dentist to a local one, because it was getting increasingly difficult for me to find time to get to Guelph what with my school and work schedule. Come September it will be even more horrendous so we made the unit decision that it was time to move on and get a doctor and dentist here. I have already contacted a doctor here, and booked an appointment for the end of the month, and I have just cut ties with the best dentist in the entire world in Guelph, so I can find one here. I don't think I'll ever find one like Dr. Khimani. That dude is seriously the nicest guy in dentistry on the planet.

Anyway, I suppose being an adult means making decisions that sometimes you aren't happy with.  I can deal with that.

Keep it 'rill yo,

K


I finally feel like I am in the right place AT THE RIGHT TIME! It's like the world makes better sense, all because I finally know what I'm good at.

So. Adam got a new job. He doesn't start until the fall, but it is no where near Guelph.

Keep this news to yourself blogosphere, Adam's boss and other coworkers do not know yet, and won't until  a month before or whatever....

I had secured two placements, one in Cambridge, another in Guelph, I was leaning towards the Guelph one... but now I don't have that option....since there is no way I'm driving to Guelph in the winter by myself.  SO! what about a placement now you say? On the hunt again I suppose...just in the GTA.



oh c'est la vie.

But I was pre-pmsing. I am pmsing now.

You can never deny that I think of you even when I try hard not to. I welcomed her today. Whether or not she decided to come or not. Whether or not you wanted me to.

And I secretly stalked you even when you blocked me. Only because I worried.

For once I wish both were on the same page.
For a while I was okay, but now I worry about you constantly.

WHY do I concern myself when I need not be concerned? It's not my business says rational Kala, but my heart breaking sends a message that I am so off course.

Truth is you probably haven't thought about this once. Yet I'm the one griping.

I need a hobby. Maybe I should take up drinking.

I hear this song and it gives me chills. I hate when I find I live a life in a song.  And yes, while I'm sitting up at 10:30 at night trying to study for the biggest test ever tomorrow, that I put off intensely, I'm sitting here thinking about you.

You can block me, but you didn't delete me, so your holding on. How long can you go without family? I don't know the answer to that, I'm homesick as hell, wanting my mother more than ANYTHING right now. But that's me. 24 year old reduced to nothing because she loves something so much but it just refuses to grow.

Don't tell me to let it go, I just can't right now.

Take it All- Adele


Didn't I give it all?

Tried my best, Gave you everything I had, Everything and no less,

Didn't I do it right? Did I let you down?


Maybe you got too use to, Having me around,
Still, how can you walk away, From my tears?
It's gonna be an empty road, Without me right here,

But go on and take it, Take it all with you,
Don't look back, At this crumbling fool,
Just take it all,
With my love,
Take it all,
With my love,
Maybe I should leave, To help you see,
Nothing is better than this, And this is everything we need,
So is it over?
Is this really it?
You're giving up so easily,


I thought you loved me more than this,

But go on, go on and take it, Take it all with you, Don't look back,
At this crumbling fool, Just take it all, With my love,
Take it all, With my love,
I will change if I must, Slow it down and bring it home, I will adjust,

Oh, if only,

If only you knew,

Everything I do,

Is for you,
But go on, go on and take it, Take it all with you,
Don't look back, At this crumbling fool,
Just take it, Take it all with you,
Don't look back, At this crumbling fool, Just take it all,
With my love,Take it all,With my love,Take it all,
With my love.

So today was a pretty off day.


I'm a little emotional, dealing with that time of the month, and it always makes me weapy and sentimental.

So we had a group meeting today, and well... to say it nicely, shit hit the fan. A lot of people haven't been doing their required work, and first off, we had a super loud place to meet today since there were no meeting rooms left for us to use. So we sat on the couches by tim Hortons. big mistake. It was so loud, we were yelling. Which is normal for Denise and I since were often loud, lol.

Anyway it was a shit show. It was so loud we were yelling, people thought Denise and I were being rude because we were yelling, when we were only yelling because the level of noise in the area was deafening. Then if I don't hear some girls comment, apparently I'm ignoring her.

Then I get told that I took the leader role, and went with it. Apparently it wasn't appreciated and I should have not.. But I just decided to take the helm because I was more concerned about my hiney, I knew we might have a hard time reeling in 8 different people, and figured if we set dates to have things done, it would mean that Claudiu (my partner within the group) and I would receiving all the references from the other people in the group, and we wouldn't be left scrambling the day before the presentation trying to get everyone's references in because they didn't bother to do their work or they waited until the last minute to do their work. So really I suggested we set three dates because I didn't want to be overly stressed because I other people waited last minute to do their work. Apparently that’s inappropriate. I admit I did it to save my own skin, but the reaction I received was less than stellar.

Then my other friend who is the scribe in this group was so overwhelmed she had to leave. I then later worried if my reactions affected her, but she later filled me in that it wasn't me. Still.

I advocate for others, I get burned. I advocate for myself, I get burned. This really isn't a win win situation.

Very unpleasant. But whatever, I think I'll step back, and take a breather. I know this new leader thing is being a bit of a new annoyance to me... I'm glad that I'm changing and taking on new initiatives, but I don't want those initiatives to ruin my school function. It’s annoying. Ps. Writing the word initiatives is hard. Too many i’s. Lol

Anyway, the day will go on, I will go on, and well, those other people will live on too. I just have to tone it down a little, I think I might be a little too forthcoming, and letting too much of me out. I thought that coming out to everyone about some things would be a healing experience, and it was....but now I feel like people may think they know a little more about me than they really do. I don’t want to be a summation of my fears and issues.

But whatever the case, I will tarry.
PPS. I got 96% on my last psychology test, who rocks? Yes. Anal retentive self drowning Kala is. Yes siree.

K

Hola everybody.

Although my reading week is over, I feel like I need a vacation. Why is it that one week of vacation is never enough? And since when did I call reading week vacation? Not to mention I was in school three days last week, and in Guelph all Wednesday, I’d say having one day is ok.

Not once did I sleep past 7:30am. I don’t even do that on days that I do have to get up!

And it is surprising still that with all the sleepy naps I was taking I still managed to roll into bed at a decent time, and to roll out, uh, rather decently as well.

I haven’t been feeling well as of late, and I thought the sleepy times might have been because of that, but it seems like I just need to sleep. I think I am mentally exhausted and my body is just telling me I need to nap again like I did previously in high school and previous college experience. I guess I forgot what this feeling felt like. I am mentally tired. I got great exam marks, but I am mentally tired from it in the end.

Adam says he is going to be late tonight, which kind of sucks. I suppose doing some homework wouldn’t hurt me, but I just feel like sitting. Doing nothing exciting (not to say homework is exciting).

Hmm. I have to make dinner too. Oy Vey.

So I went to orientation today.  It was pretty interesting. Sheridan is a big school, and its super art deco with its exposed beams, industrial roofing and super modern windows. I didnt even realise it was as big as it is. It goes back into the fields a very far ways, so you see only a bit of it from the road, and then its like six or eight buildings all stuck together with a cute little courtyard in the middle with a bridge and shit.


The bus route I have to take takes me literally THREE MINUTES each way, or a 20 minute walk. it's pretty awesome. The cost for my transit pass? 88 dollars and it IS NOT COOL. I have to pay that each month and its gross! At least the ride isn't too bad.. but I figure I'll get to walk in the summer and maybe some every now and then if it isn't too cold.

Adam bought me a small netbook for school, but I'm not sure if I am ready to transition to one of them just yet. They are so small, and the key board is a little awkward... like, the back space button and the enter button are the ones that are driving me nuts. Every time I make a mistake and I click backspace, I click ====------. Thats annoying! Also, with the enter button, it is a backwards L shaped key and I am use to a long horizontal one, so I end up hitting the \\\\ all the time.

Its annoying. I have fourteen days to try it out before I have to return it, or decide to keep it. I will try it out with class and everything and then we'll go from there.

Obviously this thing is way cheaper, but it has a smaller harddrive and is basically for people who travel. They use this labtop to connect with their main bigger labtop, and or desktop.


I havent decided yet. We'll see....

One minute, our house plans are dashed. Then their on, off, on, off. Car accident, Jasper's sickness, car repairs, you name it, it happens to us ten fold at the same time. I spent a few nights this week weepy and sad, knowing that we couldn't afford to move to Oakville for me to start school in January because of the above mentioned incidents. They had drained all our savings, no first and last rents money, no honeymoon, no nothing.

We've cancelled our honeymoon, knowing full well we cannot afford to go on it anymore. These things, I believe they call life experiences, are happening to us all at the same time. Now sitting with our finances in ruins, $1000 car deductible, $1400 cat emergency vet hospitalization, and $1100 in car repairs/winter tires, we're broke. Hell, who am I kidding, the car repairs haven't even been paid for yet, its the other $2400 bucks that left us in ruins, although the car repairs would have dented our savings, our honeymoon could have at least happened.

So I left myself at the beginning of the week, sad and depressed. No longer was I going back to school, moving to Oakville or going on my honeymoon to Florida with my husband. I wasn't sure what I should be thankful for today. I wasn't completely sure. Thankful I was still alive and married to my hubby? As it stands, its all I've got.

But today things changed. We wanted to speak with Adams parents, let them know whats up, and what, uh, wasn't up anymore...and his mom surprised us.  She suggested they buy us a condo, and we still move to Oakville, and I still go back to school... it was quite a surprising moment, not going to lie, and of course we cancelled our honeymoon through her, as she was the one that set it up through our timeshare company as it was.

So again, I sit in the roller car, making my way up to the peak of this coaster, well, what I think is the peak, waiting for my stomach to gush and lodge between my lungs and breastplate, knowing I shouldn't get overexcited about this, as it will most likely come tumbling down, c'est la vie n'est pas? Well regardless of that, I can't help but feel jovial and certain that this CAN work now. It can. I'm hopeful, and kind of bloated.

I figured something was messed up when I didn't bawl my godgiven eyes out at our wedding, should have known with my hormones up in a tizzy and all that it'd come to a boiling point...aka, yesterday.

We got our car back yesterday.  It's been a month since I crashed the damn thing on the 401.  Broke my heart to see it the week before I left, grabbed my GPS, and found my baby without doors or anything. I thought I was going to puke.

So driving after the accident wasn't too bad, I took to the Nissan sentra like it was my own. But then I drove my car yesterday and after being cut off three times and having to slam my breaks, and squeal tires once, I got home and nearly lost it. I don't think I've cried that hard in a long time.

I just don't want to fuck our situation up any more than I already did with the first accident. I don't want another one. Ever.

And now I get the news that Adam's brother doesnt want to move out with us, leaving us high and dry without someone to live with in Oakville, meaning we have to bank at least 1200 bucks a month for an apartment, when we can barely afford what we're doing now in Guelph alone! Im starting to think going back to school is a lot more of a hassel than I thought it was in the beginning. I know I can't drive to Oakville everyday, not after the accident....not even before then.

Of course Bruce did ask if without him moving out with us would it make it impossible for us to move, I said no. I lied. I didn't want to make him feel obligated for our sake. He'd do just that too, thats just the kind of guy he is.

Apparently living with us would be awkward. I can't say I get that feeling from him as I am completely comfortable with him....but whatever..he thinks it'd be awkward, I guess he would be awkward.... I figured he would be happy to have his dinner ready for him when he came home.

But alas, nothing ever works the way its suppose to with Adam and I. We always struggle. Its just in our books.