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    • Showing posts with label actions speak louder than words. Show all posts
    Showing posts with label actions speak louder than words. Show all posts

    Fear of Falling

    Friday, April 15, 2011

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    I am starting to feel a little better about this week, seeming as I have all my presentations done, finished two exams today and at the beginning of the week, I felt like I was feeling normal again, even with the rush of exams and project due dates looming.

    Then Adam and I took a drive, on this blistery freezing day, and he drove past the hospital, made a vague comment...and it all fell down at my feet again.

    He didn't mean it, I mean, I'm the one that is always telling him not to tip toe around me and I believe this was what he was doing when he said what he said today.

    I hadn't let it past through my mind since about Saturday of last week. I twisted my ankle again, and while sitting on the stoop holding my breath, I really wanted familiarity. I wanted my mom, my dad, something familiar, my family. I suppose its okay to feel that way at 24.

    But I was pre-pmsing. I am pmsing now.

    And now I sit here, pmsing, emotional and absolutely drained from the busiest week I've experienced since my friend college stint, and I worry. It seems these emotions drenched posts always come this time every month.

    Today is April 15th. I hope everything is okay.

    You can never deny that I think of you even when I try hard not to. I welcomed her today. Whether or not she decided to come or not. Whether or not you wanted me to.

    And I secretly stalked you even when you blocked me. Only because I worried.

    I think I realised tonight that I gripe over this once a week, and I still wonder to myself if I made a mistake putting myself first...and even though my mind is telling me I need to take care of myself and I need to keep myself as number one, my heart is telling me I fucked up big time.

    For once I wish both were on the same page.

    Is this what it feels like to be in an sick relationship where he beats the shit out of you but you still love him like nothing else matters? I always thought myself to be a healthy relationship person, but I'm starting to see a lot of unhealthy things I do to myself.

    For a while I was okay, but now I worry about you constantly.

    WHY do I concern myself when I need not be concerned? It's not my business says rational Kala, but my heart breaking sends a message that I am so off course.

    Truth is you probably haven't thought about this once. Yet I'm the one griping.

    I need a hobby. Maybe I should take up drinking.

    Conflict

    Monday, March 14, 2011

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    So today was a pretty off day.


    I'm a little emotional, dealing with that time of the month, and it always makes me weapy and sentimental.

    So we had a group meeting today, and well... to say it nicely, shit hit the fan. A lot of people haven't been doing their required work, and first off, we had a super loud place to meet today since there were no meeting rooms left for us to use. So we sat on the couches by tim Hortons. big mistake. It was so loud, we were yelling. Which is normal for Denise and I since were often loud, lol.

    Anyway it was a shit show. It was so loud we were yelling, people thought Denise and I were being rude because we were yelling, when we were only yelling because the level of noise in the area was deafening. Then if I don't hear some girls comment, apparently I'm ignoring her.

    Then I get told that I took the leader role, and went with it. Apparently it wasn't appreciated and I should have not.. But I just decided to take the helm because I was more concerned about my hiney, I knew we might have a hard time reeling in 8 different people, and figured if we set dates to have things done, it would mean that Claudiu (my partner within the group) and I would receiving all the references from the other people in the group, and we wouldn't be left scrambling the day before the presentation trying to get everyone's references in because they didn't bother to do their work or they waited until the last minute to do their work. So really I suggested we set three dates because I didn't want to be overly stressed because I other people waited last minute to do their work. Apparently that’s inappropriate. I admit I did it to save my own skin, but the reaction I received was less than stellar.

    Then my other friend who is the scribe in this group was so overwhelmed she had to leave. I then later worried if my reactions affected her, but she later filled me in that it wasn't me. Still.

    I advocate for others, I get burned. I advocate for myself, I get burned. This really isn't a win win situation.

    Very unpleasant. But whatever, I think I'll step back, and take a breather. I know this new leader thing is being a bit of a new annoyance to me... I'm glad that I'm changing and taking on new initiatives, but I don't want those initiatives to ruin my school function. It’s annoying. Ps. Writing the word initiatives is hard. Too many i’s. Lol

    Anyway, the day will go on, I will go on, and well, those other people will live on too. I just have to tone it down a little, I think I might be a little too forthcoming, and letting too much of me out. I thought that coming out to everyone about some things would be a healing experience, and it was....but now I feel like people may think they know a little more about me than they really do. I don’t want to be a summation of my fears and issues.

    But whatever the case, I will tarry.
    PPS. I got 96% on my last psychology test, who rocks? Yes. Anal retentive self drowning Kala is. Yes siree.

    K