Daily Rantics

I've been practicing anti-socialism as of late. Its been nice to run off and detach myself from the people I usually spend most of my time with at school during breaks. I remember last year I really hated being alone at all, but now I hate not being alone....lol.

I have also gotten into the habit of wearing my ear buds ALL the time....they aren't even plugged into my ipod....actually I don't even carry my ipod....just my ear buds.... LOL that's how antisocial I am. I just poke the plug in end into my pocket and pretend I'm listening to music! I mean mostly I do it because the college is very loud in the common areas, and the ear buds are sound reducing, so it helps me focus and ward off migraines, but yeah...totes using them for anti-socialism agendas as well.

I wonder, does that make me bad person? lol.

I mean, at least it means I'm smart...because people totally leave me alone when I put the buds in my ears.

Whatever, I just really enjoy my own company these days. Surprising as I've always hated being alone in the past, and actually went out of my way to be with people who wouldn't of even made the same effort for me.

The only thing I am craving right now, is some Nicole time. I am coming across so many things I want to talk to her about with my work at The Well, and I just have the need to relate. I think I know superficially what it feels like to be an "assumed lesbian", and she needs some recognition in my opinion.

I also miss her familiarity. Unno, I get the same safe-net feeling from her that I get from Adam...which isn't too surprising, they are kind of the same person in a lot of ways, just different sexes, lol.  But aside from that, I want to be secluded and left alone.

I also have been avoiding my mother, or perhaps not fighting hard enough to find time to speak with her. I know she is very worried, but I dunno... I am running on empty and need this week to go away so that everything can go back to normal.

I also came home today from work at 2:30pm and slept from about 3pm to 7pm. It was awesome. The only problem now is that I really should be getting sleepy by now and finding my way to bed, to sleep. Instead I am on my computer, writing this, and again, as usual, feinding off sleep.  I read on my nook tablet for a while, but the screen was bugging my eyes, and I had nothing I wanted to read that didn't cost me an arm and a leg (56 bucks for a social workers guide to working with LGBTQ is totally not in the budget right now) so yeah.

I have to go be productive or sleep or something... chow.

My mother thinks the medication I'm on makes me an emotionless drained energy drone.


I don't think it does. I finally feel alive. But perhaps its helped me step back from her, and she is experiecing the gap between us and its affecting her.
We had a spat tonight, or something of the fact. Its not that I didn't want to speak with her, but I was tired and scared. Her telephone calls are scary to me. She brings up scary stuff, or things I don't want to always talk about. Sometimes I just want to talk with my mom, shoot the breeze. I don't want to speak about negative things, or things she doesn't get about me. But that always seems to be something she wants to talk about in EVERY conversation.
I know I'm a book written in a foreign language to her. But that doesn't mean she can't try to learn a few things.
I love my mother with all my heart. But sometimes our conversations drain whatever life is left out of me at the end of the day.
I also had a long hard day today, but she doesn't understand how that could affect me once I am home, away from work. Funny that she would say that, as all she's done in the last three years is bring her worklife home with her. However scornful and unhappy the expereince was, I let her vent.
I know it will get worse with the wedding fastly approaching. She'll harass me from sunup to sundown about details, details, details.
I think I'm going to have to elope.